Given the new Keurig is proving to be a good buy, lets jump into this blog. I’ve been thinking about where to start. The only logical place for me is the tell-tale warning signs that my marriage was ending.

Sign #1: I’m Sleeping on the Couch

After a relocation my wife was constantly finding ways and reasons why we couldn’t sleep in the same bed. I snore. I toss and turn. I get up too many times. My anxiety over sleep had reached a point where I decided to skip the whole practice all together and stay on the couch. Why bother?

Of course my wife’s view point was that I was pushing her away; I didn’t want sex, if I exercised more I wouldn’t be restless at night. It was my problem. Never once was she willing to consider her late night TV viewing kept me awake, her nightly ritual of “building a nest” woke and kept me awake, her mid-night tirades at a cat for waking her up, or countless environmental factors contributed to my insomnia.

There were just too many reasons to keep me away regardless of who came up with them.

Sign #2: Two Different Parents

If you’re raising a teenager or survived one you’re aware of the inconsistent logic a parent is confronted with on a daily basis. My personal view is two parents need to be in lock step with each other and debates need to be private. This wasn’t the case in our marriage particularly as our oldest rapidly grew through 14 to 16 years of age.

My wife would always send the children to me for the “no” decisions or the discipline then forget the rules conveniently and publicly. Even as we were separating my oldest child complained openly that Mom couldn’t remember the rules, the punishment, or whether or not she was grounded. Ditto on allowance. The kids never knew what Mom was paying for and when.

Of course, my parenting skills were lacking according to the wife; I’m insensitive, too strict, a bully, force the kids to do chores as “child labor”, and play favorites. My wife openly expressed these views to the kids. The combination of her inconsistency and public disagreements with my view points kept the kids confused at home. Our family was in chaos.

Two parents on two different pages is not a healthy environment for anyone.

Sign #3: Alcohol

As the problems in the home became apparent to me I backed off from drinking, at times going weeks without a beer. Trust me, this was an arduous task for a craft brew lover. My wife however honed her skills at drinking wine. A bottle of wine a night became the norm for her alone.

Aside from the obvious problems of over consuming alcohol on a regular basis, every small issue became major. My wife became more aggressive towards me, towards her children, and any potential confrontation. She began to forget things for the children such as milk for cereal, or when an appointment was scheduled. My wife would stop to get a bottle of wine each night but never get food stuffs to ensure the kids had enough to eat.

At one point her drinking became so severe that she started accusing the kids of sneaking wine in the afternoon because she couldn’t remember how much she drank nor believe that she was drinking so much. She yelled at both kids, accusing them of lying because she “took measurements.” When I asked the kids offline how Mom took measurements they told me “Mom used her fingers”.

My children began to complain to me privately. My oldest daughter communicated that she confronted her Mom after being embarrassed publicly at a concert. My daughter’s desperate attempts to help her Mom were easily discounted as “something that runs in the family.” Never has my wife come to grips with her choices.

Alcohol abuse is a mask for other problems. I learned sobriety is clarity within a relationship.

Sign #4: Ain’t No Sex Goin’ On

Looking back I believe my relationship with my wife was based on sex more than friendship and trust to be honest. When the sex stopped I started to realize this wasn’t a person I wanted to be with (and for many other reasons). We just didn’t have anything in common.

Sex was the glue that kept us together for 14+ years. For 12 of those we had sex fairly regularly and it could be hot occasionally. Over the years I noticed we had sex more under the influence of alcohol than when sober. When sober there was only one time a week I could approach my wife – Sunday’s at 9am. When sex happened, it happened in the same position, the same way every week.

Needless to say it got boring. I didn’t care how hot my wife was. I refused to have sex by appointment and I refused to drink heavily just to get randy. My wife characterized that as “pushing her away.”

Bottom line was sex became a confrontation and a source of anxiety, not the spontaneous expression of love it should be.

Sign #5: Infidelity, The Final Straw

My wife was sexually frustrated too. Her infidelity was the last straw with me. There were signs for months that she was having the affair. Heck, there were signs several times in our marriage but the most recent behavioral trend was confronted and proven, then she admitted to it and boasted it would not end.

It was my fault of course. I didn’t have sex anymore, slept on the couch, argued about raising our children, didn’t stay in shape… blah blah blah. Next to me my wife looked like the Holy Mother Mary. There are two sides to every story.

For 14+ years I stayed true to my marriage. My wife did not. It makes me feel good about myself. The fact that at many points of my marriage I had chances to have an affair but didn’t has given me fresh perspective about me as a person and resolve to get back on the horse. I’m looking forward to that.

I’m looking forward to living. Some day I’ll focus on finding a partner.

Stay tuned to the blog. I’m building a good list of post topics. Next up: Signs Your Spouse is Having an Affair. Until then…

Cheers!